Supernanny

I have officially turned into Supernanny.
My biggest parenting challenge to date: Getting Brian out of the marital bed.
I got inspired watching Supernanny. I bought the book. I read the book. I formed a plan.
Game on.

Night 1
Inform Brian he will be sleeping in his own bed. He runs into mom & dad’s room and hops into our bed. He thinks this is his own bed. Sadly inform child that this is not the bed of which I was speaking.

8:00 pm: Tuck Brian into his bed. Sit close by, as directed by Supernanny, pretending to read book (Supernanny) by night of nightlight. Suprisingly, he falls asleep quickly. Sneak out of room.

10:30 pm: Am awakened by small body climbing under covers next to me. Return him to own bed, as per Supernanny instructions. Refrain from clobbering him (as not mentioned in Supernanny) as he jack-in-the-boxes himself out of bed 4 more times.

10:40 – 11:45 pm: Alternates between crying and calling for mommy. Cries out desperate pleas and protests, my favorite being:
“Nobody’s sleepin' with me!”
“Nobody’s takin’ care of me!”
“My finger/back/(insert a body part) hurts!”
“I have diarrhea poop!”
“I’m sick and I need to sleep with you!”
“I keep crying!”
“I’m having a rough time!”

Focus on counting cries for "mommy" so as not to be influenced by tugs on heartstrings.
Final count: 407. (Note: not an exaggeration.)

11:46 pm: Silence. At last.

3 am: Cries out, “Daddy!” several times. Has apparently given up on mommy.

8:15 am: Wakes up in own bed. Proudly runs out to tell me, “I did it! I sleeped in my own bed!" Then he asked for his star chart back.

Side note: The Star Chart (a.k.a The Bribe Chart)
The star chart was a feeble attempt about 3 months ago to get Brian to sleep in his own bed. The plan was to give Brian a large, expensive toy after sleeping in his own bed for 30 nights (thus, earning 30 stars). This insane plan arose from desperation and dementia brought on by sleep deprivation. Damn, he remembered. I tried to change the big reward to the game Mousetrap he has been asking for. He says, “No, I think I’ll ask for Mousetrap for my birthday. I want the big toy.” Hmm.
"How about a trip to Chuck E. Cheese?" I suggest.
He thinks about it. “No, I think I’ll go to Chunky Cheese when we go to Texas next year.”

Night 2
8 pm: Falls asleep in own bed after 10 minutes. Sneak out of room. Hear a few cries during the night.

Night 3 (last night)
8 pm: Falls asleep in own bed after 5 minutes. Sneak out of room. Bang head repeatedly against wall for taking 4 years to get him out of marital bed.